Deconstructing and rebuilding a life

The farther and farther I dive into an agrarian life, the more things appear in simple, majestic form. I marvel over new ways to do things I've never imagined possible. Even if those new things are actually really old.

I feel like a child more times than not. Impressed with discovery and hungry for learning. Sometimes embarassed with my ignorance but not prideful enough to discredit another train of thought. The curious in me needs to debunk what the world has served to me in truths, spoon fed me at times, and batter it all with the seasoning of "why?"s.

The need for power in its many forms has hindered my ability to believe in my own capacity. I cannot because someone smarter, richer, cleverer than I am has told me this is true. You cannot live without electricity. You cannot live without a 9-5. You can't be smart unless you go to school. And so many other things have been told to me without being said out right. But I have seen people do this and more. So much more.

Even things as mundane as toothpaste I look at through a new spectrum of light. I've learned what is in commercial toothpastes. I have learned to make my own. Something that had once only been accepted in my life with a name brand and a fancy box, I am now astounded by with the ease of relying on myself to create. And it doesn't stop there.

The more I learn the more I want to learn. The more societal and material things I want to deconstruct. Break down into everyday parts I can reassemble for my needs. The more things I can learn to live without.

One thing I have realized is that once you learn something it can never be unlearned. It can be ignored, true, but I think the knowledge still looms in the background. A haunting mass of shadows. You can only fool yourself so long and so much. Sometimes I learn something and change only to learn even more and have to change that same thing once again. I feel like even when I get to the grass roots of the issue, I then learn there are problems with the dirt underneath until everything needs to get uprooted and we start again brand new.

Its not an easy way to live; completely out of sorts with an honest reality. Finding a footing only to be off-balanced yet again. But it is what I choose -living in knowledge and truth and the constant persuit of both- and I need to remind myself of that everyday.