I'm getting to a point right now that I wonder if we'll ever truly be able to create the farm we want. I've been sitting on the edge of tears since yesterday. Yeah, I suppose you could say I'm getting negative. Depressed. Heart sore.
I know the saying that something worth doing is going to be hard. But good Lord, I'm not sure if this is what is happening or if the Universe in general is telling me I'm on a fool's errand. Perhaps we just should have stayed put and shoved our dreams into a back city alley. Perhaps we reached too far. Our eyes focused too far past what should have been our goal. Perhaps we should have been happy in the moment instead of hoping for something that we didn't have.
Whatever it is, my spirit feels like it's been trod upon. A lot.
I'm not opposed to hard work. I don't mind sweat or dirt. I breathe through injury and am not afraid to try something. I tackle projects with greatest intent even when lacking proper skill. I like power tools and books. I read about what I can't yet do. I want to take what I learn and bring it to those that can never do or don't want to. Show the world that good food can be raised, animals treated well, things can be done differently. Maybe, even a little better. I want to be the steward of a little piece of dirt. Rear children that will do the same someday.
Why is that so hard?
We had come to the conclusion that we might stay here a second year, we had planned to move the shipping container over and give ourselves a little extra time to figure out what do to on the land since our options are so limited. But that's scrapped now.
I feel that time is going by and we think we know what we're going to do even just a few months from any given point only to have it crash down around us. Time wasted, ideas tossed away, hope crushed. See, there's that depression again.
So, we're at a crossroads yet again. The land we own is deed restricted, as is here. What if we develop it and a few years down the road those residents decide to join together and actively work to not live beside a farm? What would we do then? Since it had happened here why couldn't it there? It's not zoned for Ag. There aren't any other farms around. Even if they decided they just don't like goats -as was the situation for this development- and told us after we had aquired and loved and nutured a small herd that we'd have to get rid of them we'd be crushed emotionally and possibly financially. We can't afford to have that happen.
Now the questions arise. Do we stay? We've said we're not staying a second year here which has my mind already twisting with moving dates that will fall just after Autumn harvest. All that work will be scrapped. Or do we? Since we're allowed cows perhaps we should just get one of those. Hope that raw cow's milk will be okay for Max and stay here continuing to work on the 5 acres that might not be welcoming to a working farm.
Or do we go completely? Look out of state for land with less restrictions, a place to be, go back to our original idea of living in a camper while we build from scratch. Where would we go? Where is there in the World that welcomes our ideas and hopes and dreams? That won't pry in with harsh regulations and nosy neighbors and fight us tooth and bone for what we want?
All I know is today I'm tired and weary and want to go over the edge and let the tears fall.